Compared with Gasoline

Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 .....$10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .........$10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......$10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ......$33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .....$178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ......$123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ..........$25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ...........$84.48 per gallon
Evian Water 9 oz $1.49 .......$21.19 per gallon

Pilots at a Bar

Two Piper pilot buddies, Bubba and Tom, are getting very drunk at the MYF bar when suddenly Tom throws up all over himself. "Oh, no Debbie is going to kill me!"

Bubba says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Debbie that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually, Tom rolls into home and Debbie starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! You're disgusting!"

Speaking very slowly, trying not to slur, Tom says: "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everything. Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me... he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me
twenty dollars for the cleaning bill."

Debbie looks in the breast pocket and says: "But this is forty dollars!"

"Oh, yeah... I almos' forgot" says Tom, "He shit in my pants too."

Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't f(&king think so.

Redneck Letter

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20
miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the
address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the
house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their
address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't
seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated,
he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.

There ain't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom