Redneck Letter

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20
miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the
address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the
house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their
address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't
seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated,
he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.

There ain't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom