Vince's Funnies

Kneeboard Pants!

2008-08-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

Are you kidding me?

Office Space... The horror film!

2006-11-28T17:30:00.000-08:00

Japanese Outhouse Humor

2006-06-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

A Little Mexican

2006-04-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

"Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father."

He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy " His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says "See, did you learn anything from that?"

To which the boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans."

Top Gun ERAU Style

2006-04-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

GPWS Flow Chart

2006-03-28T09:23:00.000-08:00

This is an oldie but goodie. GPWS stands for Groud Proximity Warning System, it is found in airliners and high end airplanes and gives the pilots a warning when they are close to the ground. Click on the chart for a larger version of the flow chart.

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

2005-10-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

High Flight (W/FAA Supplement)

2005-10-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth(1),
And danced(2) the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed(3) and joined the tumbling mirth(4)
Of sun-split clouds(5) and done a hundred things(6)
You have not dreamed of — Wheeled and soared and swung(7)
High in the sunlit silence(8). Hov'ring there(9)
I've chased the shouting wind(10) along and flung(11)
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious(12), burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights(13) with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle(14) flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space(15),
Put out my hand(16), and touched the face of God.

NOTE:

Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seatbelts fastened. Crew should wear shoulderbelts as provided.
Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.
Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility class weight limits.
Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
"Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.
Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.
Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.
Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed sanctity of space must remain in IFR flight regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.
Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure.

Ravenstoke Alaska Spraying for Women

2005-09-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

According to my Alaska Bush Pilot Buddy, Alaska has a guy to gal ratio worse than that of Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University. Ravenstoke is the only town in Alaska that has made an active effort by spraying for women.

Check out this short video: Ravenstoke.wmv

Bubba Hang Glides

2005-09-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

In Tennessee, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided
to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest hill (we
don't have mountains in Tennessee), and after struggling to the top, he
gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--
into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Burton were sittin' on
the porch swing talkin' 'bout the good ol days when Maw spots the
biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she
exclaims. Tom raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house,
brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG... BANG...
BANG... BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the
tree tops. "I think ya missed him, Paw" she says. "Yeah," he replies,
"but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Marines Train Ride

2005-09-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. Marine walked the train's
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
dressed French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may
I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in
particular, "You Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that
seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, but you are also terribly
arrogant!" This time, the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up
the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. "My
little Fifi!" The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put
this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby then
spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing
the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your
automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown
the wrong bitch out the window."

Chicken Wings Comics

2005-06-17T00:43:00.000-07:00

Ya'll gotta check out this series of comics! They're great comedy: www.chickenwingscomics.com

Minesweeper Sorce Code Stolen! Terrorist Threat!!

2005-06-05T21:10:00.000-07:00

Check out this article!

Window Crack

2005-05-18T17:21:00.000-07:00

Fliers beware of the substandard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. You won't believe this when you see it. This is an actual crack that was found in the window on a USAir DC-9/MD80. You would NOT have wanted to sit by this window.

View Photo of Dangerous Window Crack

401 Keg Plan

2005-05-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron,you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

Compared with Gasoline

2005-04-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 .....$10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .........$10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......$10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ......$33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .....$178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ......$123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ..........$25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ...........$84.48 per gallon
Evian Water 9 oz $1.49 .......$21.19 per gallon

Pilots at a Bar

2005-04-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

Two Piper pilot buddies, Bubba and Tom, are getting very drunk at the MYF bar when suddenly Tom throws up all over himself. "Oh, no Debbie is going to kill me!"

Bubba says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Debbie that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually, Tom rolls into home and Debbie starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! You're disgusting!"

Speaking very slowly, trying not to slur, Tom says: "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everything. Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me... he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me
twenty dollars for the cleaning bill."

Debbie looks in the breast pocket and says: "But this is forty dollars!"

"Oh, yeah... I almos' forgot" says Tom, "He shit in my pants too."

Fairy Tale

2005-04-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, in a land far away, beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't f(&king think so.

Redneck Letter

2005-04-08T17:46:00.000-07:00

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20
miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the
address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the
house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their
address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't
seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated,
he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.

There ain't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom